“If I’m not a singer, who am I?”
This is the reality I was facing in 2014 when every area of my life felt like an annoying tag in my shirt.
Every system I had in place was there to support my opera career:
Side hustle to make money via bartending? Check.
Living on 190th St in Manhattan? Check.
Furiously trying to find THE voice teacher and blowing through $$? Check.
Asking everyone to tell me what I am and what to sing and what to do? Super duper check.
But I didn’t love my “support” job. It had provided me with community and a great foundation for years, but was now changing. I wanted to go work in a different bar - or did I? Would they have the same flexibility? Would I have the same opportunities to be involved? But, wait, why do I want to learn more at a more desirable bar or restaurant in the NYC scene? Do I want to be a bartender forever? What about singing?
I also started to crave a life outside of New York City, wanting clean earth and more trees. But I had made it to the city, and had an established life, and a great apartment, where would I go?
Everywhere I turned, people had an opinion about my voice. Their opinions were so loud in my head: “If I start with this aria, they’ll want to hear this, but I can’t sing that today because I don’t know if I have that high note, but if I only offer these four arias, they’ll probably think this. I really love singing this, but the last time I did, they bumped me down a place in that competition. This guy told me to sing this aria, and this woman asked WTF would I ever offer that.”
I was begging voice teachers and coaches to tell me what to do, and feeling stuck.
Stuck.
Stuck.
Stuck.
It didn’t help that I had chosen to pour all of my energy into marathon running (away from my problems) and a toxic relationship (that brought out the worst in me). Then the breakup wound up breaking me. And I let it.
My entire life I had run from hard feelings and facing my shit. Up until this point, I had been down a rabbit hole of health + wellness, including mental/emotional/spiritual wellbeing. I knew I needed to face myself. I allowed myself to hit rock bottom. There’s something really endearing and sobering about knowing you can’t go any lower. And all you have in the reflection of the mirror is a stripped down, authentic version of your years of baggage. Facing the uncomfortable truths. And moving through it. Not around it. Not over it. Not sprinting past it. Not numbing it. Not venting to any single person who will listen. Facing it head on.
I was ready to live a quote I kept getting drawn to, “The best way out is through.”
I cut out all stimulants and numbing substances: alcohol, sugar, caffeine, processed foods. I shortened my runs and chose yen yoga instead. I got a meditation coach, started doing Emotional Freedom Technique sessions, and got myself into therapy. I let myself get really clear on what I wanted, and why so many things were in my life that didn’t serve me.
After being summoned to interview for a Reality TV show about Opera Singers (TLDR; nope), I gave the Fall 2014 audition season one last go. I’d quit all of my restaurant jobs with one goal: figure out if you still want to do this (singing).
I certainly walked into those rooms with different energy. Maybe a bit more YOLO.
A well-known Director of one of the top Young Artist Programs in the country asked me to stay after my calls back to have a “chat” with me. This was my third time singing for her, and she could see right through me. “This is the best I’ve heard you sound, but you seem like your heart isn’t in it. P.S. our season is already cast.” She was the first person I opened up to about my struggles. And she departed some wisdom upon me. That even though this industry reinforces pushing yourself, go for it, want it more, even be out for BLOOD, “there’s grace in letting go and honoring yourself.” I told her I had always felt guilty whenever masterclass speakers would preach “If you can do anything else - DO IT!”
I decided this was it. No more auditions. Finish out any future gigs, and pivot.
I had casually been looking for a certification program or school to learn more about health, wellness, and nutrition. I decided to go to open houses and meet with as many people as possible.
In 2015, I chose to attend The Healing Academy of Nutrition in New York City because of its comprehensive curriculum and in-person classes. I got three bartending jobs downtown to make money to pay off my new tuition. I worked my ass off for two years to do so.
Of course, after I finished the program, I still didn’t feel like I knew enough to start my own coaching practice, so I looked for MORE school and came across The Nutritional Therapy Association to be a ‘real’ practitioner.
I still didn’t feel good enough to even begin generating content, but I did passively start putting myself out there to meet with any opera singers interested in tackling their health.
My perfectionism still held me back.
Somewhere in my mind, I felt like if I could be the “health girl” in the opera world, I would still be relevant. I admired so many of my other friends and colleagues that found their own niche (photography, finance advisor, fashion, lawyer, graphic designer) and remained relevant in the opera world.
Then, an opportunity to move back to North Carolina presented itself. “I can open my own voice studio and have a foot in voice lessons and health coaching.” It kept the narrative alive that I needed a “thing” to have an identity, and I wasn’t a total failure.
I didn’t enact any of this plan.
I had bills to pay and needed to start working right away. Right after I moved, my best friend came to me with an opportunity that seemed really out of left field, but turned a few lights on for me. Become a partner with her at her Paint + Sip studio, but run the whole thing like a full-time owner. Really learn how to be a small business owner.
Painting and Crafting for a job? Fun!
I still felt ashamed that I had left New York (for those who have never lived there - the city becomes part of your identity too), and that I was no longer a singer. Like… wtf was special about me?
I consumed everything I could about self-development, and I was already pretty in tune with this world. I would take every personality test I could get my hands on. Took online classes in entrepreneurship, attended meditation and mindset workshops and conferences, so many podcasts and books. I was officially lost. My compass worked like Jack Sparrow’s, only I had no idea what I “most wanted.” Zero. It was another version of, “someone tell me what to do.”
After two years of living in Durham, NC, a friend of mine invited me to sing with the NC Baroque society. The program was hard music and vocally challenging. Other than Christmas Eve services, I don’t think I had really opened my mouth to sing in 3+ years. Let me tell you - the ability to surprise yourself in your mid-30’s is pretty special. I was so grateful to my friend for re-awakening something in me.
I came to a new realization - music doesn’t have to be my whole identity, but it doesn’t mean I have to live under a rock and live without it either.
I continued to perform on my own terms, and it felt freeing.
But I still realized I lacked purpose. Even though I loved my job, and I loved my community, I needed direction. I was going nowhere. I didn’t want to own a paint studio forever, nor did I want to keep working in Beverage Manager jobs and bartending (which I was still doing part-time). After getting some of my confidence back from performing and taking voice lessons again - I decided to piece together enough jobs to build a voice studio.
Then, my partner accepted a job across the country - in the Bay Area.
How the f*ck are we going to be able to afford to live there??
But just like all moments where you don’t know how, but you know you will - I took a leap of faith and moved with him.
I walked away from everything I knew after casting a net and receiving several job offers:
Beverage Manager: familiar, good money … do I want to do this for 30 years?
Voice Teacher: purpose, what I went to school for … $$$0 an hour
I wound up trying to network through a staffing agency, thinking I could get some temp jobs to potentially convert to full-time. The agency liked my creative background and made me a job offer to work in staffing. I HATED IT. But it led to a new career and I met some pretty cool people. After the market came back in 2021, I was recruited to work full-time for Intuit as a Design Recruiter.
It’s been 4+ years. I love my job and new career. I LOVE what I do. I have security. I have one job, not four. I work for and with people I genuinely love and learn from. All the gritty, tenacious, and adaptable qualities I developed as a self-employed artist and small business owner are rewarded here. I work hard, but the financial and emotional boundaries are easier. I'm not responsible for the lights, my next gig, putting away money for taxes, or someone else’s paycheck.
This new career provides me with something invaluable: freedom. I now have a financial anchor that fulfills me, allowing me to pursue things I love without the pressure of having them be my purpose: performing once a year, going hiking, road trips, and a good life with and for my dogs.
What did I learn from accidentally trying out 12 careers?
After all the pivots, here are the truths that finally settled:
You Are Not Your Job (Or Your Degree): Your identity is not defined by your title or your paycheck. Period.
Your Job Doesn't Have To Be Your Calling: It can be a fulfilling anchor that simply allows you the security to pursue your calling (or passion) in other areas of life.
The Un-Purposed Hobby is Necessary: A real hobby (something you do purely for joy with no expectation of meaning or monetization) is essential for mental health.
Your Craft is not a Hobby: recently someone asked me about singing being a hobby, and that felt ICK. It’s not my hobby, it is my calling in this life.
Just Start: The difference between you and the person (who is perhaps not as proficient as you) doing what you want to do? They are doing it. Action strips away analysis.
There is honor in letting go: we grind so hard in this modern era. There is no trying! Rise + Grind. No Days Off. Sleep when you’re dead. Never quit. Bullshit. Not every mountain is meant to be climbed, and grinding harder isn’t strength - listening to your body is! There is a difference between this and laziness and perfectionism. But I have found life is so much more organic when I just stop trying to swim upstream and let the river take me where there is flow.
Someone out there envies the life you’re living: I can’t tell you how many singers have reached out to me over the last 10 years to get my advice on re-acclimating to the ‘other world.’ Shame and envy are silly - move in closer to each other.
WHO F*ING CARES WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK: They are not paying your bills or living your life or living your consequences. This noise is the only true thing holding you back. Here’s a blunt, sobering truth: nobody cares.
Somewhere around 2016, deep in my search for myself, I listened to interviews with Deepak Chopra and signed up for his program. One thing he said has stuck with me for over a decade:
“Who are you? Who are you without your titles? With your name? Your story. Without your adjectives, and jobs, and descriptions? Who are you?”
After navigating moves across state lines, starting over, several careers, building new communities, invested time learning new skills, and discovering myself… at the end of the day, these things are all just descriptions. They explain where I’ve been and my story. But none of them are my identity.
We simply are.
Though I know myself really well in this fourth decade of life, I’m still discovering. And here’s the secret: I’m okay with not knowing everything 🫣. I’ve found freedom in surrendering to the truth that I’m still becoming.